Recent Updates

So, It has been a while. What all has happened with me since September? I have bought more books. I have read some of them. I have thought much, and talked much. One thing that has happened has been a transition that in any other time frame would be full of drama, but as is, has happened very naturally. This would be the transition of one close friend out of my everyday life to another close friendship blossoming. It's not that one friend simply left and I found another, or that there was a fight, or conflict of any kind. Life takes us many different places, and it took a very close friend of mine around the world, out of frequent communication. This is a close friend whose opinion I value, whose friendship I appreciate, and one to whom I owe much more than I can admit, and hopefully will one day repay. It is odd when I think about it, as we spoke quite often, and shared in the daily drama of life etc etc, and now they are half-way around the world pursuing a wonderful vision with vigor and passion. It's strange to think that we've only said a few words to each other in almost three months.

And this leads me to another friend, one who is growing closer. I tried to help this friend through a difficult time in their life, and I'm not entirely sure how effective I have been. I listen more (at least I think I do) than I help, as I have realized how little I have to offer someone in their position. All the same, this friendship is growing, and while I am not entirely sure where it will lead me, it is a very pleasant friendship:)

I have had some very distressing revelations during this time, and one of those having to do with my previous post relating to emotion. Sometime in December, I realized that I have endangered this new friendship, and I endangered it awhile back before it even happened.

When my whole religious construct fell apart and I tried to move on, I came to a stand-still of sorts, and was at a complete loss for direction or a way forward. This in turn led to an existential phase. I don't feel the need to explain anything further than that, as I'm sure many of us as a generation have been and are there far too often. The point was that it inhibited forward progress. In my case - I grew more cynical and closed off emotionally blah blah blah. How this effected my friendships was that I began not to be able to take deeper matters seriously. Things of the soul, things of the heart - were lost on me, as a glib 'screw it' attitude took up residence inside my head. I realized this as I was trying to help this new friend and recognized that I could not care for their emotions, heart, or pain as they needed. It wasn't a 'I don't know what to do to help them' issue - it was a matter that we both knew that I could not treat their life, pain, drama, issues, etc with any empathy or compassion. Little by little, my choices had closed off the prospect of helping them.

I would like to say that I realized this, removed the bad, inserted good, moved on, and everyone lived existentially ever after, but I'm not convinced it's that straightforward. Pain is pain - and one cannot ignore it, lest it corrupt you. Pain, I think, must be healed before one can move on. Sure, life cannot stop while we self-indulge, and we must move on, but I'm not sure limping with scars is how we are meant to move on.

I'm not entirely how this functions with my slogan of "Shit happens. Bring a shovel." as I'm having mini-'Ah-ha!' moments as I'm writing this. Thoughts from the journey, I guess.

I take a strange comfort in the words of this song. I'm not sure why, as they seem to be more questions than answers, and more wondering than certainty:

Too Bright To See, Too Loud To Hear (Underoath - Lost in the Sound of Separation)

Good God, If your song leaves our lips/ if your work leaves our hands/ Then we will be wonders and vagabonds/ They will stare and say how empty we are/ How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men

Let us be cold and make us weak/let us, because we all have ears/let us, because we all have eyes

How they knew that this would happen/we're so run down/Good God can you still get us home.../how can we still get home/I'm not dreaming/We're forgetting our forgiveness.